January 4th, 2011

It's January 4th, 2012, and I'm feeling a little anxious.

2011 didn't start off very well for me. In fact, this time last year I didn't even know what was lurking around the corner 4 days later. For New Years Eve, Tommy and I ordered chinese food (orange chicken, beef and pea pods, and crabby rangoons!), rented Inception from On Demand, and drank sparkling cider. I bought poppers so that we could shoot them off, and we decided to spend the night just the two of us together. The movie we watching ended at 11:00 and we put the New Years Eve shows on TV. Everyone was dressed up and dancing and drinking, but we were happy to start a little tradition of spending time together bringing in the new year. 

We counted down the end of 2010, popped poppers (well I did a bunch, tommy did one....ha...and I cleaned them up later!), and kissed each other at Midnight. 

It was a super great night and it made me so excited to bring in 2011. I was engaged to my best friend, and was teaching Kindergarten in a school that I was so happy and proud to be at. I felt like the luckiest person!

Three days later, on a Monday night, I came home late from work. Tommy and I got into a little spat and we fell asleep miffed at each other. The next morning, we got up at the normal time and got ready for work. As we left around 7:30, I went down the hall towards our cars, and Tommy went the other way to drop off some of our save the dates in the mail. I started his car for him so that it would be warm by the time he came back from out mailboxes. 

I drove to work as usual, and believe it or not, was excited to start the day with my K kiddos. I don't remember what I was teaching that day, but I do remember feeling good about my day :) 

I worked part time last year, so after I took my kids to the bus, I would normally stay and substitute or plan or get my shit together for the week, lol. It was about 12:00, right after I had taken my kids to the bus, that a co-worker asked if I could come by and speak to her about a student in my class. I remember feeling a little nervous and thinking, "hmmm, should I bring some of his work? I wonder what this is about..." 

I ended up bringing a notepad and pen to take notes just in case and met her in her office. She wasn't there yet because she had gone to warm up her coffee or tea that she started drinking in the morning but never finished (ha, happens to me all the time!).  I sat at her table and she said something along the lines of, "I didn't call you in here because of a student. I asked you to come and see me today because your husband has been in a terrible car accident and I didn't want to tell you in front of any children." I don't remember exactly what she said to me, but it was something along those lines. 

I remember asking if Tommy was ok, how it happened, where he was, etc. all while crying and being worried out of my mind. My co-worker had no information for me other than what the sheriffs had told her: Tommy was taken by ambulance to Lutheran General Hospital, was in the ICU, and left the scene of the accident unconscious. From there, I was trying to call my mom and my dad to tell them what happened. 

{At this point, Tommy's older sister had found out and informed his side of the family as well. I later found out that the sheriffs had found Tommy's work ID in the mangled car and contacted them. Tommy's sister works with him at the same company and the company informed her. Then his co-workers pulled his contact file and saw that I was in there as his fiance, but my contact information was not updated. The sheriffs contacted the school that I student taught at, which in turn contacted one of the supervisors of the student teaching program, who then told them where I was currently employed. The sheriffs contacted my place of work, and showed up there around 12:30. This all happened before the next paragraph....}

By that time, I had contacted my parents and had moved to the board room in the front of the building to wait for the sheriffs. I tried not crying down the hallway because I didn't want kids to be freaked out, but I'm 99% sure I was unsuccessful, and 99% sure no kids cared anyway, lol. I sat with two of my co-workers and waited for what seemed like forever until they sheriffs arrived. I don't remember everything that was said by the sheriffs.....they basically told me what I already knew. They added that a truck had contacted the passenger side of my then-fiance's car while making a left hand turn onto the highway, that he was awake until the ambulance had gotten there, and that he was taken to the hospital. I was waiting for my mom to come to school to pick me up and take me to the hospital. In that time, my two wonderful co-workers stayed with me, held my hand, and offered words of encouragement. {I will never forget what they did for me.}

Later in the week I found out there was a man who saw the accident happen and pulled over to help. He called the police, and stayed with Tommy until the ambulance came to bring him to the hospital. In hindsight, I am so glad and thankful that someone was there to comfort him during this scary thing, even if Tommy doesn't remember. Part of what made me so sad and scared later on was that I wasn't there for him, but knowing that he had someone at least made me feel a little better. 

When my mom came, we drove straight to the hospital. It took us about 50 minutes, partly because we didn't know how the get there. The entire time I was crying and just kept thinking, "What if he's not ok, what if he doesn't wake up, he is so smart and what if he looses everything?" It was undoubtably the hardest and worst 50 minutes of my life.

We arrived at the hospital and found the ICU. I went in to see him and basically lost it. I remember standing there, holding onto his right hand as his sisters, his parents, and my parents came into the room. I stood there for what seemed like forever until the doctor came in and told us what happened. Tommy had a tube down his throat, a neck brace on, and was hooked up to machines that kept making steady beeps. Everyone was crying a lot and the doctors kept telling us that he needed a pressure monitor put in his head just under his skull. They wanted to do this so that they could monitor the swelling in his brain and see if the blood in his brain was getting bigger or not. I asked the doctor when he was going to do this and he told us ASAP. I felt worried because it was happening so fast and it would take about an hour to do the procedure. At one point, while family was asking the doctor a bunch of questions, I'm pretty sure I said, "ok, let's stop asking him questions so that he can do this procedure asap". I'm also pretty sure that wasn't the last rude thing that came out of my mouth, but I was stressed ok?

The rest of that day (January 4th) was a total blur. I spent the entire day sitting on a red couch in the waiting room staring out the huge windows crying off and on. I didn't want to be hugged or talk to anyone, and I didn't. I just sat there. Tommy's mom kept asking me to pray with her and I didn't end up saying yes until waaaaay later in the night. That was probably the only time in my life that I have ever done what I wanted to do without taking into consideration other people. I didn't care that people were talking to me, or that they wanted to hug me. I didn't put on a happy face when I was feeling like shit even though I normally would have. 

It wasn't until the next day that I actually (somehow) decided to take each hour as it comes. I literally went hour by hour. I wouldn't let myself feel anything past the small moment I was in. And I spent a lot of time reading books in his hospital room because it was calm and quiet, which was different from the waiting room atmosphere. I read Things Fall Apart (awkward I know...) and The Help. To outsiders, I'm sure I looked like a desperate mess reading those! 

There is so much more to this story. This is only one day, the first day, but it was definitely the hardest. 

So what have I learned from this? Probably less than I should have, but here it goes:

1. Don't go to bed angry. Or if you do, don't leave the house for a full day of work/activity/whatever angry. I some how internalized this thought on the road of life, but the one freakin time I don't follow through, it bites me in the butt. Even if it makes you a little late to work in the morning, just don't do it. Talk it out, hug it out, laugh it out, or table it for the time being, but don't leave without kissing goodbye and saying an I love you.

2. Take time to appreciate. I appreciated life every day before the accident, and I appreciate it every day after. It's so important to stop and realize how great things are! Even if it's just a little moment :)

3. Praying to whatever you believe in holds serious power. I haven't been a praying person for a long time, but every day I got texts/emails/fb messages from people who said, "we are praying for you". I may never know if it really made a difference, but I think deep down in my heart that it did. I am thankful everyday that so many wonderful people were praying for us. 

4. Don't underestimate the kindness of complete strangers. Not every one would have done what that man that pulled over to stay with Tommy did. Weather or not he knows it for sure, that man helped me remember that there is kindness in the world. Before the accident, I know that if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't have stopped. I would have called 911, but I wouldn't have stopped. Now I know I will if I am ever put in a situation like that. I can be a kind stranger too. When we spoke to him, he said, "I have 3 girls around Tommy's age. I would have wanted someone there with them". I am forever thankful for this random stranger's kindness, courage, and strength in that moment.

....well that's it for now. I'm sure I'll uncover other things I've learned from this experience as I travel through life, but that's all I got for now.